S.I.Fishgal wanted to write MEIN KAMPF, but someone did already that. For an ignoramus in German, not knowing own language - not you and this scribbler surely - MEIN KRAMPF means MY CRAMP. His PIDDLER ON THE HOOF (PublishAmerica Inc. and Lulu Publishers) and KOSHER HOOKS (Lulu Publishers) describe the hero's earlier years. As a gentleman, Fishgal made his books independent.
CONTENT
1. In Eve's Bosom
2. Why Fuehrers Have Nipples
3. Lousy Napoleon
4. Why We Live
5. For Whom the Belle Toils
6. Igor the Terrible
7. Abracadabra
8. Sleeping Beauty and the Awaked Bitch
9. Don't Fish - Farm It
10. Jewish Genghis Khan
11. Telling the Queen She Is Naked
12. Piss of Cake
13. As the Loins, So Is the Fruit
14. Sexual Conquistador and Kosher Fuhrer
15. Wicked Kosher Bandits
16. God Gives the Day, Nazis Give Food
17. Mein Kampf and Mein Krampf
18. Jewish Tsunami
19. Tits' Savior
20. Christ's Occurrence
21. Regimes Change, Appetites Don't
22. Yellow Dwarf
23. Canine Prima Donna Hooker
24. Rubicon and God, Shave the Tsar
25. Empty-Handed Alexander the Great
26. Apocalypse Is upon Us
27. Going through Hell, Keep on Going
28. Jesus the Hooker
30. Roma the Roman Pope
31. Milked Scapegoat's Honeymoon Swim
32. The
33. Arividerci, Roma
34. SSS - Slavish Slavic Souls
35. Jesus of Locomotive
36. Weaning
37. God's Kosher Gift to Shiksas
1. IN EVE'S BOSOM
"Women weren't only the Greek and Roman goddesses of love, but of death too," Roma's young teacher of ancient history said while marking a failed repeat of one's lesson.
"The goddesses and gods behaved indecently. They're appalling role models for kids." The boy was not a coward - just an unbiased blasphemer at the ripe age of almost fourteen. "Whom do you think artists hired to model as goddesses? What a true Christian would model naked for a pittance?"
Back in 1952, Ukrainians still kept their capital city of
One fine day in early April he docked his six-seats boat to the Spasski Moorage near a lapot' (a bast shoe in Russian). Not a piece of footwear, the municipal ship shaped as such a shoe got that nickname. The lapot' ferried beach lovers to the
"Hello to the socialist galley slave!" a divine bimbette in her early twenties interrupted Roma's somnolence.
"I'm no slave."
"And what are YOU?"
"A socialist driver."
"What do YOU drive?"
"Oars."
Slender, tender, yet strong and unpretentious, she did not look at the boy. She stared, somehow unusually though, he did not know how - as if he was a fairytale frog, perhaps:
"What the hell is the mighty rower like YOU doing ALONE in Locomotive's boat?"
An impudent young hen that just flitted out of a womb is already bossy! Roma is no prince swallowing his eloquent tongue. Neither is he shortsighted. The damsel is quite striking to tell her where to go, and is a potential customer he has to cater to. Besides, she addressed him not in the singular form as Russians always do to youngsters, but with polite YOU.
"Locomotive is railroaders' sport club." The birdie of paradise loved lecturing too. "The swift Dnepr has the immense traffic. Oarsmen's legal age is sixteen."
Her opening gambit paralyzed the young ferryman's speech-making device. Yet, he did not let his pride get in the way of staving off the patron. His optical nerve noticed the healthy indicator - the slight shift of her delicate lips and eyelids into an almost invisible captivating smile.
"I don't understand what the marine militia does," the girl went on.
Instead of giving her the right direction to go to, Roma fired back in his slow dance of a smiling ferryman's seduction:
"One shouldn't talk about what she doesn't understand. With the self-crowned princess of braids in my boat, I'm more alright than you're for our brave militia."
"And why is that?"
"Never say YOU to children and teenagers. Militia will think you're related to the nobility. Don't you know of their fate? Only intelligent people know that in backwoods even children address their parents with YOU."
"I'm not accustomed to addressing intelligent boys in the singular form. Are you waiting for someone?"
"Are you for your prince?" Roma answered her question with his own in his pureblooded Jewish delicate manner.
"Perhaps."
"Then I'll alienate him in your trustful mind," he shot from the hip.
"Do you like to compete?"
"I eliminate competition. Shouldn't your man be here ahead of you to prevent a suckling like me, or someone worse, to get a very good time with you? Does he care about that? He certainly takes you for granted."
"So do you."
"Please read what's written on my noble face. I'm wonderful and romantic. In Russian, even my name, Roman, means a novel and a love affair, in case the language is out of your forte."
"A brash sniveler!"
"It was not the epicure of words, young lady."
"Just the statement of facts."
"Then I'll save my mushy stuff for other heart-stopping dames. It's no wonder your date doesn't hurry. If you intimidate him, your liaison is over. Your opening gambit could cause a little accident in my swimming trunks. Luckily, your eyes deceived your Baba-Yaga (Russian folktales' witch) role-playing. A girl should not imitate the one who barks at the wrong pee."
"Don't be a vocal bandit, Rommy."
"Vocal is good for you. Don't worry that you were born slightly prematurely. I'm getting older every minute. Our passion will equalize our difference in age, education, status, nationalities and upbringing. Eyes are the soul's windows and mirrors. I am x-raying you through."
"And what do you see?"
"Cast your observation slits directly into my own to analyze you better."
"You're a feeler and giver," Roma said when their eyes met each other.
"Translation?"
"Even slow-witted asses understand each other with no interpreter, please pardon the expression. Do you cry at movies? Then you're a feeler. Will you give your best to a man you really love? Then you're a giver."
"Perhaps you're right."
"Oh, mademoiselle, that phrase is magic in any marriage and bond. The stinky diesel's rider is obviously an inferior human. Let the feeler in you imagine getting inside an intoxicating diamond. The soft breeze of fragrant air is light, crisp and crunchy. The sun is kinder than you're. The pale sands are velvety like my voice. The mysterious bank we pass is ravishing. Pussy willows of watermelon color, refreshing smell of water and I treat you like a royalty. All satisfies and put you close to God in havens. You experience something inexperienced and unforgettable in your entire asphalt life."
"You make my heart flutter."
"So does the princess of braids."
"Are you flattering or mocking me?"
"A hairdresser would dream to handle your last century's dirty-blonde crown of braids. Did your mom do it for you?"
"Do you like it?"
"That idiotic style suits you rightly like a bridal veil to a Belgian mare."
"You're meaner than funnier."
"Derision is another benefit of my ferrying. Don't look like you need the root canal treatment. I'll set my tongue to inject some anesthetics. Your eyes radiate electromagnetic waves. Sank up to ears in radios, I say that as a specialist. I wish I could wake up every morning with your stupid braids on my pillow until death parts us. My heart welcomes you in my boat, the craft of equal opportunities, fraternity and free love that conquers everything except poverty and toothache."
"You're bending me like a pretzel."
"Don't worry. In the boat, our elasticity will come into play and will tie us into a pretzel knot."
"Your flaming speech ignites me." She did not hop in - the queen of hearts deigned to concede the appeal for mercy. She did that adroitly, elegantly and gave Roma the Knight in the kosher hides no time to take her by the hand. She did not ask where to sit - just quickly settled on the aft. Her tempting legs faced him and pooled the wool over his eyes. Yet, her look was ruling - how dare you, pygmy, to sit in my presence?
Not hatched out yesterday, the commoner did not move.
"Where's your intended?" He made the direct eye contact and asked bravely and knightly. "You'll see the breathtaking beauty of the Garden of Eden where God talked to Adam. You can't start your romantic journey alone, against the Lord's will."
"What does a boy like you know about all that?"
"I can tell you while we're waiting. In contrast to animals, at first the Lord made Adam hermaphroditic as God's look-alike, i.e., bisexual."
"Fundamentals of Atheism text says Adam was a man."
"Are you so dogmatic that can't see my variant as more logical and pleasant to your heart? I'll prove to you that men and women are not only equal, but Eve was smarter than Adam, whatever your Christians state."
"Go on, Rommy," she gave him a smile.
"Your smile makes your face prettier than a Swiss clock-face. If you met Jack London, he'd write White Pearl about you."
"Did they name you Roma because in ancient
According to the boy's version, at first, all living beings lived in the Garden with delicious fruits of every depiction and flavor. Yet, Adam saw mating animals and felt his loneliness. The Lord realized the blunder and removed the female's bones and flesh from sleeping Adam, i.e., separated the bisexual parts into a man and a woman. In the morning, the Lord ordered Adam and his ravishing woman to be fruitful and multiply. Thus, recreation and procreation sex was God's first commandment.
In their beautiful innocence, the first couple had no idea how to fulfill God's will because He hid the knowledge of the mating process deep inside their hearts. They looked at and touched each other. Their eyes sparkled with love. A wonderful sensation swept through their bodies. They gently hugged, kissed each other and united euphorically back into one being like God itself. They did that daily, and bliss filled their lives.
Of all the breathtaking blessings that God gave to the first man and woman, they most enjoyed the pure pleasures of uniting beautifully and lovingly into one being. The Garden of Eden turned to a real
"I gave you the knowledge and will deliver you to the
"You're the Serpent of Eden, the sneakiest and craftiest of all creatures I ever met," the girl laughed into his face.
"Now, when you found who I am, are you going to act appropriately and to warm the Serpent in your bosom?"
"You're already there." The prospect's eyelids quivered like a spark. Roma swallowed his articulating organ the second time. The heart-stopping customer was surely a menace. She could choke him with his own tongue if he were not a well-read aspiring entrepreneur and athlete.
"Now, when I know where I am, I say that you're Eve dating the wrong man," he said. "Go after a pitiful intelligent smarty, nothing to look at, i.e., someone like me. And it isn't because a pig thinks his puddle is dirtier."
Eve had the best looking, yet simpleminded, man, the boy reasoned. Yet, she warmed the ugliest, but smartest creature in her bosom. He was not the Serpent really, but the Devil who turned such. He hissed hypnotically that God kept the knowledge and wisdom from her by forbidding eating apples from the Tree of the Knowledge.
Eve ate that most delicious fruit in all of
"Now look at you," Satan giggled joyfully. "You're both naked. Cover yourselves before your evil minds begin to lust after filthy disgusting sex."
Thus, the Devil polluted and corrupted the couple's pure mind with the lie that nudity is evil and there is something shameful in their means and method of procreation and recreation. Angered by the couple, God drove them out of the Garden of Eden.
"God wanted you to live in the bliss he created - the pleasures of love between, recreation and procreation of a man and a woman," Roma concluded. "He didn't imply multiplying by an artificial insemination. The Lord wants you to enjoy every gratification that is kosher, right, pleasant and loving. So let me ferry you to the Garden to enjoy God's gift to the full."
"I really warmed Satan in my bosom." The fascinated girl looked at Roma fascinatingly too.
"Do you see my horns and exhaling flames? If I am Satan, then I don't put a sorcerer's spell on you. My services to you are mostly ceremonial. Now, when you reminded me again where I am, I see that the appetizing place I'm in is God's beautiful creation made for perfectly kosher physical functions and pleasures. Since I ignited you up for your intended, the question is where your wrong date is?"
"Already in the boat."
Roma could die of her derisiveness. If at least one his parent was an elephant and the boy had a mature trunk, he would strangle himself with. Since it was not the case, his consciousness miraculously recovered. He became more daring and plied the voyage and flirt off to a running start.
"You delight me with your fancy sexual thoughts of me," he bleated. "But can't we be friends first?"
"Are you shy or afraid of falling madly in love?"
"I'm afraid you're no shining paragon of patience. All is not well in our
"Neither have I."
At that remote time in spring 1952, it was neither a worthy discovery, nor a rarity in
"Saving sex for your old age?" Roma flashed a smile. "Thanks for carrying on and saving the heavy cross of your sexual innocence for me. I'll knock myself up to make it not only tolerable, but enjoyable for your first time. We'll experience each other's inexperience."
"Obnoxious clown!" The girl's mouth opened so wide that if she were George Washington, her false teeth would fall out. "Cats do not gamble with nestlings' warble. If you didn't put the smiles on our faces, I'd smack you."
"Eh, lady, your brainpower failed to fish the noble impulses, sweeter than diabetes, out of my word diarrhea. You really booted the depositories of my precious genetic material. I'm paid to be nice. One your word would shut me at once. A pig should get in the mug at the very beginning. Then he knows how to grunt acceptably."
"I said I would," she sounded apologetically.
"A girl should know how to bridle her passion of giving it in the mug, gut or farther south. A smile drives frost from and is the cheapest way of bettering your face and chances. A girl is suit to be girlish. Did your mother feed you with male hormones in her womb, or you eat them yourself? It might be shocking news for you that no man will tolerate a woman with a rotten character even if she has your goddess-like figure."
"You shocked me. I didn't mean what I said. Please forgive me."
Yet, Roma was implacable:
"Where were you during the Spanish flu? My origin is shorter than a snivel on a wire: Jew. As such, I ferry no bully even if she's tickling my visual nerves. I don't look for a foot to get a boot. Please tell your pretty legs to carry your carved butt of a rare manual job out of my boat. No cruising for bruising."
"I wasn't serious, Rommy," the girl giggled. "It was my conditioned reflex's talking. I truly want you to ferry me."
"Nobody took a certain Adolph seriously either."
"Didn't I say I warmed you in my bosom? If I spank my heavenly bum myself, will you forgive me? Or you want to do that yourself?"
"As a Russian, you're unaware that Jews don't beat their wives and get heart attacks therefore. If you care to know, in the Jewish Laws, any act of the husband's violence leads to the divorce on the most favorable conditions for the wife and to his excommunication and exile. All 25 hundred years' Jewish men in me are against beating you up. Besides, your bum is probably an open wound already. Everyone licks it."
"I really wish not to give you a heart attack after our lovely journey, but have no other option."
"To give me a heart attack, you have to marry me first."
"You're too young for that."
"A Jew is a man upon thirteen. His parents used to take care of his sexual needs and married him as early as possible. When such needs of the young man are taken care of, he can pursue what comes after sex, i.e., knowledge, vocation and the like."
"Does the young Jew crave for a meaningful quickie or a trivial marriage with an old Russian maid?"
"With Christ's bride that offered me to hold her bum in the death grip of a happy river dog, marriage goes first."
"The Jewish laws don't reign here," she said slowly like a teacher explaining something to a mentally challenged boy.
"Do you like Shiite Muslims' law better? Great Allah allows temporary marriages, an hour or more long, to satisfy the lust. In the law of the sea, I, the captain, may marry you in the open waters."
"It's the first time in my life I see you."
"After our marriage you'll see me more often."
"You're credit to your romantic name, Romeo. You create the sense of mystery and mastery in the air."
"That pedophile, killer and self-murderer, is an awful role model for impressionable youth. Roman sounds romantic enough."
"You'd hardly make your teachers happy with that."
"His Juliet was thirteen, for Christ's sake. Let's get back to the mastery of the sea. Do you really wish to be in a position to give me heart attack?"
"You opened me to that idea. In the Dnepr center, I'll marry the face blending the eternal Jewish grief, Mona Lisa's smile, and satanic mockery. Will you be happy then?"
The boy's adolescent ears needed no hearing aid and caught her irony if any. But what the hell! Isn't she ALONE in his boat?
"According to Oscar Wilde, a certain English homosexual more known as a poet, in this world there are two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants and the other is getting it," Roma said.
"Thanks, Rommy. Your tales really intrigued me. Let's pass by your
"One question before our marriage service, please. Are you leaning to pedophilia like Shakespeare? In many so-called cultures, females of your age don't seek boys, but diligently make them."
"You've said you're a man."
"You're absolved then. I'll start to ply the voyage. I never talked to a girl who can lie like that right into my face. You aren't Athena for sure."
"What Athena?"
"The goddess of wisdom. UNMARRIED."
"You're right, Rommy. I'm really the fool liking your insults."
"Glad to hear that. People fall out of love, but not of foolishness. Besides, the one thinking she is a fool is a smart fool."