I stand alone looking out to an alien place, filled with both excitement and trepidation. Tiny angels approach to take my hand leading me into this new and strange world. My loneliness disappears. I feel safe and loved.
This book is written for guys. Women may also be interested in reading this text searching for clues to the elusive male psyche. Since men and women began to form words some 20,000 years ago, there has been a gap in communication for the most part, between men and women and how they relate to each other. Simply we all have the same needs but communicating how those needs are to be met may cause some dissension.
It’s interesting that we may speak the same language as our mates, English, Spanish, or whatever, but the amount of miscommunication, or non-communication is amazing. Why is it that we use the same alphabet, the same words, and phrasing do we not understand what the opposite sex is attempting to convey?
When something happens to a female, she will usually relate to the situation from an emotional standpoint first. She will want to feel what has happened before setting upon a logical course of action. Note I’m not saying “over-emotional”, the energy of emotions is very real and vibrant and a necessary part of her process.
A male on the other hand will skip any emotion to the process and will look at it from a strictly logical standpoint. That logic is completely determined by the individual doing the thinking. A male will analyze it from a financial, security, threat vs. non-threat, long term, short term, and no term, liability, and healthy/unhealthy point of view, all in the blink of an eye! And damned if anyone offers an opposing view.
In addition to the different viewpoints both sexes experience of their own world, it’s rare that either side ever clearly says what they intend to communicate!
For example, if the male half decides it’s time for a new family vehicle, it would be highly unusual for him to approach his “better half” (where did that come from anyway?) and say simply “Let’s go shop for a car”. That would be insane! Might as well stick the old chin out and ask the wife to take a good poke! In our minds, this openness may potentially subject us to her “logical reality” of not being able to afford it or one hundred other reasons why it’s the stupidest idea ever expressed.
So we modify our approach, which may take weeks. Weeks of hinting that our current vehicle is getting older, showing some signs that rust may form, it has a funny noise, the upholstery is beginning to fade. We’ll discuss the idea with our best friend, “testing the waters” to see how the idea sounds. We’ll do all of the research on the fair book value, and what a replacement is going to cost. We’ll casually mention tidbits of information, as we happen to run across them in the newspaper, magazines, or television. We’ll attempt to excite her, without ever mentioning the idea. We’ll attempt to coax her into making the suggestion that we might go take a look at the dealership to see what they might have. Problem solved! After all, it was her idea! She can’t argue with her own idea! Well, she probably will.
Usually after weeks of dropping hints, we know full well she knows what we’re leading to, but she won’t bring herself to spill the words that we so desperately want to hear. We want that vehicle, we need that vehicle, why doesn’t’ she “get it”? In reality, she probably has no idea what you are attempting to communicate. She doesn’t “feel” it.
I was listening to a talk show recently with a man and wife (ages 97 and 96 respectively) that had been married for over 75 years and the marriage was still going strong. The host asked the gentleman if he and his wife had ever had arguments. He said “Sure! Everyone argues!” He was asked if they had ever had a serious argument. He replied “Only one.”
“And how did it come out?” came the follow up question.
His reply “I don’t know, it’s not over yet!”
It’s beyond me how persons that are destined to view the world from completely different ends of the spectrum, are ever going to cohabitate together. Yet we do. The attraction between the sexes is so strong no shall barrier stand between us. Or perhaps we are all gluttons for punishment, we’d jump into this hole with blinders on, never giving thought to the doom and gloom this type of match up will bring!
When men can begin to listen to emotions and acknowledge them, and women begin to understand that men are going to perform a function differently, logically, there will be no peace in the home. Some acceptance and appreciation of the differences will be critical and beneficial for everyone involved. This lack of communication may be what’s brought you to your Single Dad role.
A brief word on the abbreviations you will be seeing. I like to keep things simple, after all, most of us guys talk and no one listens anyway. When referring to the Wife I’ll use a simple W, W1 or W2 for the 1st wife, 2nd wife etc, and SO for the Significant others. (We’ll lump them all together, what the heck).
At times when you have W, W1, W2 or the SO you will be called upon to entertain or care for your “young uns” should you find your better half elsewhere. The kids may scream and whine, this may be normal, but when they begin to look a little drawn, losing some precious pounds you begin to realize they must need something!
You find yourself alone with your kids; they won’t quit bugging you for something to eat, or something to drink. You can take them to the local fast food restaurant if you have one nearby. Kids fed, thirst quenched, they’ll suck you into the playground. You don’t want to go there.
If you get drawn into the playground 1) you can’t get them out without a fight and 2) present will be Mothers with their children, single or married, makes no difference, you are as vulnerable as a wounded zebra on the Savannah with a lion pride downwind. Every one of them is going to either be someone or know someone that is perfect for you, some sister, friend, relative, old maid or bag lady that can change you into a decent upstanding citizen. These are the reasons the W married you in the first place. After all, a Single Dad is no fitting life for any decent human being, right? Bah, humbug.
I went through W1 and W2 and a number of SO’s and prior to my divorce from W2 I had come to a realization. It was time to establish some priorities. “Do I want to be married, or do I want to keep bait in the Fridge?” So far the bait has won out.
I’m nearing the big 50 and I’m wondering is a W3 in my future? (Shudder). Well I read recently where they had crossed a goat with some other animal (the details escape me) to breed a more productive animal. Scientists have been crossing cattle with buffalo for years to yield more and better meat.
Researchers have also done a lot of work with swine lately, for transplanting organs into humans. So technically, sooner or later someone is going to figure out how to make a pig fly. So I guess technically, one day, I may find W3.
I have a total of 6 children, 3 Daughters grown and out of the house (married). None of them are or ever have been on welfare. I can’t take any credit for those 3; their mother did it all. Sadly I hadn’t learned my infinite wisdom, as I find myself with a young son and 2 younger daughters. So through the intricate process of “learned behavior principles,” the younger three will receive the benefits of my learning after nearly destroying the older 3. This is what I refer to as “blessings.”
I’ve spent more than 2/3 of my adult life “technically” single and find myself with these 3 little ones. How do I intend to keep them from driving me to the padded room? Yes, 2/3 of my adult life, I know you’re thinking “Loser” but hey, back off, it’s a guy thing.
Ah, I thought I was smart, I bought all of the video games, a television for their rooms, videos, and DVD’s, to entertain them. Heck, I shouldn’t have to do much, slip a bit of food under the door and I’m pretty well set. As I said, I thought I was smart.
Now they come to me “I’m bored.”
My response? “Go watch a movie.”
“Watched them all.”
“Go play a video game.”
“Beat them all.”
“Go watch the TV.” This is the stimulating repartee’ you have to look forward to.
“There’s nothing on! What can we dooooooo?” The whine is apparent as boredom sets in. I know you are all thinking “I’ve lived with these kids for years? Why are they turning evil on me?”
Here’s a clue, they’ve always been evil!
When you were with W1, W2, or SO in your former castle your better half (ha!) shielded you from them. Remember when you may have been sitting watching a ball game and the W was talking with/at you, and you may have responded correctly, but later never remembered having the conversation? Well it’s the same with the kids, you tuned out the Ex, and you finely tune out the children. You can “finely” tune them out, because any lack of response on your part wouldn’t cost you dearly for days, weeks or months, as it would with the Ex.
It’s time to open your eyes to your little ones, live in their world with them. I realize it’s a new thing, but it’s going to be a very rewarding experience.
This new relationship situation is a major change for all of you, the kids, the Ex, and yourself. You may be a bit lost as to your direction. You may be looking to place blame. Blame isn’t important. It doesn’t matter anyway; nothing is going to change what has happened.
As a very wise person told me after one of my more difficult breakups, “You could not have prevented this.” While I’d like to think she was referring to my particular situation, she wasn’t, it was a blanket statement, and it does indeed cover most everyone.
Whatever happened in your relationship, no matter who was at fault, the breakup happened because at least one of you wasn’t happy in the relationship. No blame is placed on someone for seeking happiness!
Sure people have been hurt, lives seem to have been shattered through someone’s selfish desire to be happy. Life goes on. Some people are going to be miserable no matter what. At times it takes a big shake up before the lights go on. We begin to realize we have the power to choose happiness in any situation. And sometimes, it does take a major change in a person’s life to find happiness.
You may be thinking that your marriage has failed. This is a common misconception. Regardless of what you may have been told, your marriage didn’t fail. It ended, yes, but it wasn’t a failure, and it didn’t end in failure. Failure has such a negative vibration to it. The marriage was what it was. The marriage served a purpose in your life, and in your mate’s life. In fulfilling that purpose, the marriage was a tremendous success. The purpose may have been nothing more than to bring these wonderful children into our lives. Other reasons may have been, it depends on your unique situation.
The marriage has outlived its usefulness, and what sense would it make to continue to hold onto it? We might do that with material things, for sentimental reasons, but how much sense would it make when your life and happiness are at stake?
The marriage has ended, simply because it has served it’s purpose. Of course we all like to think when we get married, that marriage will last the rest of our lives. Unfortunately often we’re wrong. Because we intended the marriage to last forever, doesn’t mean our marriage failed. It means we accomplished what we intended to accomplish through our marriage, and it no longer serves us. Attempting to hold onto something that is no longer useful will merely prolong the inevitable, and you will (both) likely be miserable until it ends anyway.
Does this mean if you ever get married again, it’s surely doomed after a few short years! No! That marriage will have it’s own purpose, whatever you have intended that to be. It has no correlation with this past marriage. You have benefited from your past experience. When marry again, you will surely find, it is completely different than the last, because the partner is different, the entire relationship dynamic will be different.
So wipe the failure connotation out of your mind, it’s negative don’t dwell on it. Anyone that tells you different would likely be happy to see you miserable. Look at the positive success that your marriage was in serving its purpose and move along. No matter what your situation is, you are where you are. Living in the past doesn’t move you forward. It’s time to look ahead and we’re going to do that. We’re going to move ahead in the following pages, step by step, starting with some basic baby steps, which always work for me when I don’t seem to have the energy to go on.
We’re going to begin putting your life back together when it may seem futile. We’re going to develop a bond with your children that will carry you through any difficult times you will be facing in the immediate and the distant future.
Backpacking in the Utah Wilderness recently, we’d stop for a break and I’d dump that heavy backpack on the ground and rest awhile. Not looking forward to putting it back on, I always would. It was heavy. Taking a few baby steps forward, so that I could reach the goal we had set, would get me moving again. With several miles to cover that day, I would continue to think only of the next step. Knowing that with each step, I was getting closer to our evening camp.
It was a wonderful trip, in spite of the weight on my back. I experienced a peace I needed at the time. I carried on my back only the essentials.
Though the weight you carry seems too much to bear, you are packing the essentials. And through the following pages, we are going to lighten that load. Your going to redefine what those essentials are, you’re going to shed some and will pick up some new ones. But as you get stronger on your journey, the load is going to be much easier to bear. You will gain a new outlook on your past relationship, future relationships and the importance of your relationship with your children.
In the following pages we’re going to examine as many aspects of the Single Dad as I could fit in one book. I’ve provided a wealth of information to entertain your children in health and safety. You will find insight on how you may want to treat your Ex, I hope it’s enlightening, no matter what your current relationship. You will also find information on dealing with your emotions, though we as men of course would rather shy away from thinking of such silliness. We’re going to deal with what’s “inside,” to hopefully prevent ever having to go through this kind of breakup again.
Though it may not be immediately apparent, you have a tremendous amount of freedom that you may not have had in your previous marriage. Freedom is always a good thing, you may be thinking, “I didn’t want to be free!” Freedom means the opportunity to do and be anything you want to be! You have endless opportunities and choices in front of you. All you need to do is pick one, or several, and focus on how to achieve what your life is going to be like from this day forward. After choosing, you will take the first step.
In our lives, we are faced with where we are and we’ve decided where we want to be. The thing that stops us from reaching our goal is “how do I get from here to there? Such a long and complicated road! I don’t know how to start!”
Well, like hiking in the Mountains of Utah, take the next step, that leads to the next. Don’t be focused too much on the ultimate goal, you’ll always want to keep that goal in mind naturally. Don’t focus on the next mile ahead, or on the next 100 steps, nor the next 10, focus on the next step. You know what the next step is, that’s simple. As you take each step, the following step will be abundantly clear, so take that one next. And so on. You’re several steps closer than you were moments ago.
Your next step of course in reading this book is to finish this chapter and go to the next, if you so choose. Your life is that simple.
The ideas expressed in the following pages are the benefit of my 20 years of experience as a Single Dad. It may not fit the ideals expressed by many child psychologists and experts. In fact it would surprise me if any of them agreed with what I have to say. However, I feel the things expressed are realistic, most all are from my direct experience.
I’ve never claimed to be the perfect parent, far from it! I’ve made a lifetime of mistakes, and I’m certain I’m not done making them yet. These are things that work for me. The pages will only give you options, many of them. If you disagree with any philosophies or ideas, good for you! You’re thinking and are aware. Leave those on the pages and adapt your own ideas and ideals. Raise your children the way you feel is best for them. That’s why you are the parent!
This book need not be read in the order I’ve designed, though I’ve attempted to have a flow to the book. If your kids are visiting shortly, and you need some ideas on what to do with them right away, jump to the chapter on Fun Projects for Kids (chapter 18), or if you need help right away in putting your home in order, jump to (chapter 8)Lists to help you organize your purchases.
At the end of each chapter, you will find an assignment. These are designed to be simple and will not require much of your time, unless you choose otherwise. Following these assignments, guaranteed, will make you a better Single Dad, more in touch with your children and community, and will allow you to reap many rewards. Ok, so it may sound like you’re back in school, doing homework again. For the few days, or weeks, (or months if you’re slow) while reading this book, it will be a good opportunity to again experience homework as your children may do, every night of the week.
Start with something fun, get yourself a T-shirt that says “Parent”; get one for each child that says “Kid”. You will get lots of smiles and perhaps applause from other parents when you visit the zoo, grocery store, or playground. It’s also a nice reminder, when you panic, of who’s who in this relationship.
Use the pages of this book to start you thinking how you want to raise your children. Use the book to help you find the next step if necessary. Be aware of the things happening around you; be creative in their activities. Please forward any of your ideas to my website, www.kevin-james.com, that other Single Dads and their children might benefit from your experiences. We’re all on a learning curve!
