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Have you ever been to a larger size city and walked through their busy main streets? You'll look into the windows and see merchandise, you've never seen before. You'll stop into a little cafe and try some "home cooking." You'll watch the people walk by on the sidewalks, the cars behind them, racing in both directions. Then reality sets in, ever so slowly, a dirty man, with torn clothes, has his hand out, begging for money. Some look away, others feel pity, while still others are angry. I know, because I seen all these feelings when I was homeless. I heard stories from the Bible, and was told to "get a job!" I was harassed, kicked and spit upon. It didn't bother me, just please, give me your loose change. I grew up in a proud home (with what the outside saw) that had strong values. But they didn't see inside the closed doors, it was quite dysfunctional. It was from this craziness, that I survived. I survived homelessness, alcoholism, drug addiction, divorces, numerous court cases and jail. That craziness made me who I am. That craziness gave me a life, it gave me an excuse. For most of my adult life, my childhood ruled me. Marriages failed because of my parents. It was their fault I lost jobs. On and on, it went. As long as it was their fault, I did not have to accept responsibility for my actions. That was until my drinking could not be avoided. In court rooms, they didn't want to hear about "poor Dave." They would not let me push my responsibility on someone else. Looking at many years in the penal system, the fear of God set in, and I realized this was my last chance. Some would say, I quit to avoid jail. They are correct. But that fear has kept me sober for over nine years. I still remember my last drunk, my first day in court, and my first counseling session. I was defeated, scared, and totally hopeless. If I didn't go to court, there is little doubt in my mind, that I would be dead. Either someone would have killed me, I would have killed myself, or alcoholism would have done me in. While alcoholism, helped me survive many trials, it should be stated that, all these trials I created! Sobriety, brought new challenges. Most people call this - life! Pay bills, accept responsibility and try to rebuild burnt bridges. Sobriety gave me strength and courage to move forward. I am so thankful, that my wife, Betty did not have to go through breast cancer alone. If I was drinking, I wouldn't have been there for her, physically - maybe, spiritually - no way.
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War Zone,
Backing Out of Hell
War Zone is a story where a two year battle was waged. A war for my own survival. A personal war, between my logical mind and an emotional heart. A struggle, involving early sobriety, trying to bury the past, while maintaining a family. A war, where everyone involved was damaged, by shame and guilt.
By reading my journals, you'll see the hell, I personally created! A hell, which at times, I wasn't sure I wanted to escape. I knew I couldn't go back, but I was scared to move forward. War Zone begins a lifelong journey out of hell, as I find the gifts and promises of sobriety.
With sobriety, I began a spiritual journey. An adventure, filled with enlightenment and an awareness that I wasn't alone. I continue to seek serenity and peace, in all my surroundings. On this journey, I'm joined by Betty, my wife of eight years.
I started '96 in divorce court. Sometime around March, Janice moved across the state, to be closer to her family. All reminders of my life as a married man, were now gone. There was some depression, by the way the events unfolded. But, from everything I had experienced, I realized I just completed one hell of a journey. It was a journey out of hell! For well over a year, I was in the grieving process, burying "drunk Dave." A part of me which help me survive. I know it was an insane way to live, but "drunk Dave," led an exciting life. Maybe exciting isn't the best word to use, but it was a life many people don't get to experience. Homelessness, a couple of OD's, two failed marriages before I was 40 years old, and a very real spiritual awakening. For the first time, I was on my own, but I wasn't alone. No more courts or counselors. Nothing keeping me sober, except me and my Higher Power! By June of '96, I was ready to change my program of recovery, to a program of discovery. Don't get me wrong, AA saved my life. Now I wanted a little more. I didn't want to sit in meetings, talking about what I needed to do. It was time to start doing it! I don't go to AA much anymore, but I still try to live by the pratices I learned there. My program of discovery would be taking that last "leap of faith," and seeing what the world had to offer me. It was also that "leap of faith," which would show me, that I had something to offer the world. Within a month, I would resign from my job and move. I believed, that for me to grow, I needed to wipe the slate entirely clean. Anything that I had while I was drinking, I needed to bury with "drunk Dave." So with the clothes on my back, my old dog, and an old Dodge, we headed down the road. It wasn't as easy as I make it sound, but it needed to be done. I left Seward, knowing I didn't run. I stayed to the end! I also realized that I needed to remember the last two years living there, because I would use it as my foundation to stay sober. If any thoughts of drinking would enter my mind, all I'd have to see, was an image of four scared children, whom I verbally and physically helped to destroy. AA says not to "dwell in the past." I don't dwell in it, but I also don't want to forget it.
War Zone, Backing Out of Hell
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